Matthew 13 :45,46 : "Again, the kingdom of heaven is
like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he found one pearl of great
price, went and sold all that he had and bought it."
Growing up with Mom and Dad
God was for the weak. I did not consider myself weak, needing some sort of
marshmallowy feel-good crutch to be able to live. I was brave enough to accept
the truth that there is no God. Christians were people that were too weak to
believe in the simple truth that this is all there is.
Now this was the
mental worldview I was raised with growing up in El Cerrito, California with my
parents and sisters. They had a strong belief in science; my Dad graduated from
UC Berkeley and worked as a physicist. The scientific model scoffed at the
Christian point of view, which it considered silly and negative with its
emphasis on sin, while it considered itself progressive and positive with its
emphasis on human achievement.
But there were other
influences on me growing up. I remember one time I was in bed late one night
and heard demons cackling in the basement next door to my room. I remember
praying and then the demon voices went away. God: one, science: twenty-five.
Two of my three older
sisters tried out Christianity growing up. One time, my youngest sister, Karen,
actually tried to talk to me about God. I responded to her attempt by peppering
her with question after question. What about hell? What proof do you have? What
about this or that? I think she was glad when we were interrupted by the dinner
call, because she never followed up with me about it again. In the long run
both my sisters gave up trying to be Christian.
But this worldview ended up leaving me empty inside: meaningless would become
the operative word of judgment for me on my familial worldview.
A key spiritual crisis occurred in my junior years when I heard about the word
integrity. Although I was too young to be sure of its definition, the word
fascinated me. I wondered if I could ever be a person with integrity. Wow.
Being someone with character appealed to me.
You see, I was one of
those kids that was picked on during recess. You might say I was the subject of
wanna-be-men thrusting their chests out at me. It was traumatic enough on me
that I resolved that I would never pick on anyone. After becoming a Christian,
I remember looking back on that moment of resolve as figuring out first hand
the wisdom of the do unto others principle taught by Jesus.
So integrity was a
good thing and worth working for I concluded. But then something occurred to me
which really disturbed me. One night when I was alone in the house I began to
wonder what good it was to become this person of integrity, but then just end
up dying in the end? It all would be lost. That seemed so wrong. Standing on
the back porch with the full moon shining brightly in the sky, I looked up,
and said to it, "If there is any way, any way at all, I am going to reach for
you." I said that in blind faith, not even knowing really what the "you" up
there was supposed to represent. Except that it had something to do with living
forever.
Far from my mind was
God. Never the less, God was a bit closer. You see I decided that the one thing
that I can know for sure was that I didn't know. I can remember explaining to
my friend Raymond that I wasn't an atheist, that is, someone who claims that
God doesn't exist, but an agnostic, someone who rather simply claims that they
don't know if He exists or not.
Going to College: On My Own At Last
At UC Santa Cruz,
lacking social graces, I soon found myself hanging out in the computer "Stat
Lab" with computer/gaming types and other geeks. In the Stat Lab I encountered
my first real Christian witness in the form of informal "debates" between two
of my new Christian friends, Glenn and Michael, and two of my other "atheist"
friends, Steve and Ricky. Intervarsity Christian Fellowship was a strong
presence on campus. So even though Glenn, representing a fundamentalist
charismatic Christianity, failed to convince the hard-core atheist, Steve, that
God surely existed, the discussions did attract my interest and curiosity.
Noticing my interest, Glenn invited me to one of the Intervarsity meetings.
After being impressed with the depth of sharing, I boldly accepted Christ. I
knew I had made an important decision, but I really didn't know what I was
getting myself into.
The next year was an
emotional roller coaster ride between discovering the joys of what it meant to
be a Christian and despairing over my own doubts concerning if God really
existed. The most poignant moment of this came right after I attended a very
encouraging talk I heard from a Christian apologist. I came out of the meeting
feeling sure that I had made the best decision any human could ever made.
Walking into the Stat Lab, with my bible at my side I was ready to declare
God's truth to whoever dared to approach. Well, someone did dare, and that
someone was Ricky (he was a Christian mocker at the time, you could say - years
later we would become fast friends though). You see I hadn't really studied the
Bible, and Ricky had. Over the next several hours he carefully pointed out the
Bible's inconsistencies: Passages in the Old Testament where God orders the
Israelites to not spare man, woman, child, or even beast. Passages in
Revelation where God ordered people to suffer unending torment for their
crimes. How could a God of compassion say and do things like this?
I hadn't the foggiest
clue as to what to say to all he was bringing up. And I had to admit, begrudgingly
that he might be right. But to admit that to myself was the same as admitting
there was no God. That would mean not believing anymore. Which was unthinkable
and the meant the loss of everything I had found to be so precious. Finally,
after talking late into the night my faith had collapsed. He was right. It was
all-false. I had believed a sham.
I will never forget
that night walking home at 2:30 am in the morning. My faith was crushed. Ricky
was sincerely sorry and walked away. But before I got into bed, even though I
had no rational reason for thinking God was listening, I prayed, "I am still
with you." There was a part of me that was still hoping even though my mind was
trashed. I went to bed not knowing how I was going to cope with the morning.
In the morning I woke
up fresh, but the dreadful memory of the night before came down upon me like a
lead weight. I can remember going down to the cafeteria to eat breakfast with
Nina and the gang, and thinking to myself, "You fools!"
I was losing it, and losing it fast.
That is when God
brought Greg Lupton into my life.
Mark 9:24 "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief."
Greg was a part of
the staff for Intervarsity. During my darkness, when I lost my faith in God,
and all my hope, God used Greg to bring back some light. When he agreed to talk
with me, I was thrilled. But I was also afraid. Surely if I started sharing all
my struggles and doubts, soon he too would see the truth of what I was saying
and then he too would enter my horrible pit of despair. Much to my surprise, he
actually had some possible answers to the doubts I faced. This gave me great
hope. After the meeting, I bounded to the Stat Lab where I met Ricky and Steve.
I shared with Ricky my new hopes and ideas on the issues we had discussed.
Ricky was very disappointed in me and walked away shaking his head.
I spent more than an
entire year struggling fiercely with doubts. I read lots of C.S. Lewis.
Eventually I reached a point where I decided that even though all my (and
really my friend's) endless questions weren't perfectly answered in the moment,
I would still believe. It made sense to follow Jesus based on the positive I
had seen. I decided to bury the doubt demon, and thought that was that.
Nevertheless, God wasn't through revealing himself. The best was yet to come.
I Corinthians
2:4,5: "And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human
wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should
not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." (also Luke 5:6).
Now you have to
understand that for those of us who have been Christian for a long time, the
fact that God exists, and that we are eternal beings, is like the air we
breathe. We don't think about it. But for me it was very different. I was
taught that we live, we die, and that's it. That was the bottom line truth.
Nothing else. There is no God. The best you have is a scientific understanding
of things. Now even after being a Christian for a year or more, and sincerely
trying to follow Jesus, walking by faith and putting doubts aside, deep down
there was still a strong sense that I hadn't really believed.
Then, one Saturday
morning, I was invited to a very special meeting with some members of
Intervarsity. We went to a lounge on campus, and my friends explained how Anina
was healed of a lung disorder. They also told me how she was thought to have
this gift of healing and how she prayed for one of her friends, and they too
were healed. This was all very weird to me. Were they serious? Friends, people
I knew, were dealing with this sort of stuff? Could this be ... proof? I didn't
know what to think.
They explained that
in the meeting they were going to talk in a variety of languages, none of which
they knew that God had placed in their mouths to speak. So we sat close on the
floor and my friends started having a very spiritual moment of speaking in
tongues. The atmosphere there was overwhelming and powerful. It was incredible.
I can remember looking up through the sky light in the ceiling, overawed by the
whole experience. Then, for the first time in my life, down into the deepest
parts of my being, *** I believed God was THERE ***. IT WAS TRUE! It really
was. We live forever. I felt as if I could actually see God & Jesus smiling
down on me.
After the meeting, I
was on cloud nine with joy. The next morning I told some of my unbelieving
friends but I was astonished that they didn't seem to care. It reminded me of
the verse,
Luke 16:31: "But
he said to him, ‘If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they
be persuaded though one rise from the dead.'"
I started hearing
more about the more visible gifts of the Spirit. Later, I heard about other
meetings where "men of God" would heal and slay people in the Spirit. I wanted
to go to such a meeting but never found a good opportunity to do so. But God
was gracious. One morning, while I was reading a C.S. Lewis book on my bed, I
became on fire. My bosom held the fire of God like a warmth infilling me. I was
clearly not imagining this. It was very strong. As I lay there and prayed, and
opened myself up, the warmth grew until it filled my entire body. I can
remember getting out of bed and going to class. The warmth was still there. It
was the strangest experience to be sitting in class while listening to a
lecture with this clear manifestation of the Spirit making Himself know to me.
Everyone was just sitting there listening to the lecture like life was normal.
Part of me wanted to just get up out of my seat and shout, "Hey everyone,
you're not going to believe this, but God really DOES exist! You see the Spirit
is in my heart right now...!"
Yeah right. I had
absolutely no words to describe this to anybody. To me it was undeniable proof
not only that God existed in biblical times, but also today, with me, now, in
my heart.
My next huge struggle
in college was with women. I was not socially skilled, not particularly
athletic, and never seemed to attract the interest of a girl I found
attractive. In fact, I would have this horrible tendency to fall in love with women
that had no interest in me what so ever. Compound with this a disastrous sinful
self-absorption and I was a bomb ready to implode. This was an extremely
painful time of my life. There were moments I felt I could have just died. I
always credited this time of life as the initial cause of my diabetes. There
were months where the literal pain in my breast was fierce almost every waking
moment of the day. These were times of many bitter tears towards God. I
reflected on suffering. I studied the book of Job. I read "The Problem with
Pain," by C.S.Lewis.
One time during
worship I was really in intense pain. I was sitting in the 2nd pew with Greg as
usual, and this morning a couple visiting sat in front of us. The woman
suddenly spoke to her husband, saying,
"Someone is in pain!" She sensed this in the Spirit.
She said again, "Someone is in pain here!"
She became very disturbed and turned around and spoke
to us. Greg leaned in closer to hear her. She said, "God says it is going to be
all right. It is going to be all right." She was then released from her burden.
This was clearly a message for me. During these painful years however, God
continued to walk with me faithfully and intimately and my faith got stronger
than ever.
