As I prepared to face the world as an adult,
I felt very unprepared. I had had loving, conscientious parents and a good
college education. I was a Christian who desired to serve and contribute to
society. What was holding me back?
For one thing, I had few friends.I went to
Mennonite colleges and learned of the importance of "community" in Mennonite
history. I also had some good experience with friendship in college. My
freshmen year, I had a strong friendship with a roommate. In the following
years, I had some enjoyable friendships with others in the dorms where I lived.
My junior year, I made intergenerational friendships in the church I was a part
of. My senior year, I was part of a counseling group with other students, where
I got to know others on a deeper level.
After college, I moved in with my parents, in a town where I
hadn't grown up. I had hopes to return to the town where I went to college, and
deepen the friendships that had begun there. I had particular interest in
developing a special relationship with a woman I knew there. After writing her
about my interest, I waited anxiously for her response. She responded that she
wasn't interested. When other correspondence with friends, in the town where I
went to college, didn't seem to be leading to deeper relationship, I decided to
stay with my parents.
My relationship with my parents had changed since the last
time I had lived with them. They didn't need to give me as much attention as in
past years. It was good to have become more independent, but I missed the
attention of the past, especially since I had so few other relationships. Some
attention I did get, advice about better ways to find a good job, I didn't
want. This was an area where I wanted my independence. I felt I was doing my
best to find a good job, and found it painful to hear parental advice about how
I could do it better.
I established some relationships in the Mennonite church I was
a part of, and with some others. Some of these relationships were deep, but I
desired more.
Something else was lacking in my life: strong faith in God's
love for me. I poured out my soul to God in prayer, expressing longings,
requests, and confessions, but still lacked a strong sense of God's care. I
became interested in reading about the Holy Spirit in the Bible, and other
books, and talking with others about it, realizing it was not emphasized in my
church experience. I had hope that in learning more about this I might find a
deeper sense of God's love.
One other significant missing piece in my life was the
opportunity to use my creative gifts to meaningfully contribute to society. I
had thought I would go into journalism as a career, until I realized, late in
my college experience, that I hated writing papers. So, instead, after college,
I looked for basic jobs I could do. I went from temporary, part-time jobs to my
first full-time job of working 72 hours a week. I spent most of my time at this
job standing still, waiting for the machine that printed the newsletters to be
fixed. When it worked, I would pick up the newsletters that came down the
conveyor belt, put rubber bands around them, and put them into boxes.
I attended a Shalom Connections Conference in 1993 at Reba
Place Fellowship, for members, and seekers, of intentional Christian
communities. I decided, several months later, after corresponding with David
Janzen, to visit Reba again. During this visit, I would be discerning whether I
would want to move to the neighborhood to discern whether I would want to join
Reba Place Fellowship. I was at a point in my life where I was hopeless about
the future. I wanted to die. I decided to visit Reba again because I didn't
know what else to do. I was trying to be faithful, but had much less than a
mustard seed of faith.
On my visit, I found hope. I remember the particular moment my
spirits lifted. After a meal at the Clearing household, Julius Belser said that
he'd be willing to talk with me. As we talked in his basement office, he
listened to me describe my struggles. He said that he thought God might be
calling me to Reba. I also had very meaningful conversations with David Janzen,
and with Russ Harris, a counselor.
I decided to move to the neighborhood and, after a short time
in the guest apartment, was invited to join the Clearing household. I basked in
the mealtimes and common work. I learned how to cook much better. I attended
church worship and meetings. Participating in heartfelt singing, dance, and
other expressions of worship moved me to tears. I witnessed others
communicating in the Holy Spirit, and believed that I also could hear the Holy
Spirit in me. My prayers no longer seemed to float out into space without
receiving any response.
I found meaningful work assisting people who have
developmental disabilities. This led to a vocation of nine years building
community with people who have developmental disabilities.
I joined Reba Place Fellowship in 1998. It's been a
home to be sent out from, and to return to. It's been a place where I've
discerned what kind of work God calls me to. It's been a place of faithful
friendship. I've had many painful trials since moving to Reba in 1994. I've
known God's Spirit with me through them all. Thank you, God, for all you've
done for me.
